It is amazing to realize you were actually looking forward to something once your hope has been taken away. I went to the doctors office today to get a clinical pregnancy test done. After spending thirty minutes in the waiting room, another fifteen in the office, and then another fifteen waiting to get the urine test results, I was told that their test came out negative. The doctor told me that my test might be more sensitive than the ones they have there, so just to be safe she was going to do a simple blood test. Not a big deal. Another hour later she came out into the waiting room and showed me the paper and told me it was negative. I don’t know weather to cry or not. It hurt. I didn’t even look at the paper. I just thanked her for her time and gave a smile and left.

I sent a text to my co-worker, Martha, and let her know the results and asked her if I could make a stop at Subway to tell Jeremy the results. Turns out he was already at my job waiting. He got off early and went there to wait for me. Martha told me not to believe the doctors here, she swears that I am pregnant, that the E.P.T. Certainty is right. Doing some thinking and discussing, the most pregnant I could be is three weeks. At most. At the least it could be any number smaller. But the three week one would be counted from the first time that I had sex. So honestly, I don’t know what to think. The only course of action I guess is to wait a few more weeks till after Wednesday (Jeremy said he is going to buy a test) and take another at home test and see what it says.

As it stands all of this has left me with a serious headache. It’s just one of those situations that you didn’t realize just how much you became at peace with something until someone takes it away. And then realizing that the chance that they are wrong is likely, just blows your mind on what to do and leaves you exhausted.

Since I’m being all personal, I realized today just how much I don’t want to lose Jeremy. I’m already hating on his boss because I heard she has a reputation for hitting on and sleeping with her co-workers. I know that he would never accept any offers and he says she wouldn’t do that since she is getting married, divorced, married, something like that. It’s not really her I hate I guess, it’s the possibility of losing the one thing in my life that has ever just been right. That I didn’t have to change for. The one person who accepted me for me without judging me. Even though half the time I do the “oh my god I’m fat and ugly” dance with myself, he has never made me feel that way, but instead whispers in my ear, “you’re sexy.” I’m afraid if I lose him, that I will never find anyone to ever match up to him. I won’t lose him. Think positive. It’s just that chance that I could that hurts. I really do love him. Even if I’m not the best at showing it. I plan to do a photo meme soon, so be on the lookout.