Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

Time for another recap and challenge!

Last month

• Get down to 170lbs. I’ve been bouncing between 175-177lbs. – Didn’t happen. Hovering between 170 and 172.
• READ! I didn’t even finish a book last month. – Been reading more :D
• Cut back on the diet soda. – GO ME!
• Go through clothes and throw away the ill fitting / holed ones. DONE!
• Spend less. – BOOYA!

So, I think I did pretty good. I wish that I would have reached the weight goal, but at least I’m maintaining! Now for this months goals!

• Get under 170lbs.
• Eat more whole meals, less snacks.
• Work out 3 times a week for at least 30 minutes.
• Plan an awesome healthy Easter meal!
• Finish a book!

I can do this!

I have a problem and a deathly fear. Over the past few weeks I’ve been stalled at 170-172lbs despite staying under my 1200 calorie diet. Perhaps I’m eating too little, which is why last night I was going to up my intake to 1700ish as per this article I read about eating what your goal weight needs to maintain that weight.

This has created a huge problem for me. I’ve felt nothing but anxiousness, depression, and fear since making that decion. Half of me wants to DECREASE my already low intake to 800 and below calories just to lose the weight. This is NOT healthy. Yet each time I even begin to reach that 1200 calorie limit goal I become the same way.

I’m afraid that I’ve developed a very unhealthy obsession with wanting to lose weight and have stepped into anorexic territory. So after talking with Aidan a bit and hashing out my feelings she helped me decide to stop calorie counting for a while. This is not going to be an easy task as for the past 96days I’ve done nothing but worry about every bite and every calorie and tracked it with MyFitnessPal.

NUMBERS NUMBERS NUMBERS! I MUST HAVE THE NUMBERS!

There will be lots of tears and I hope that with some time of monitoring how my body feels that I’ll eventually find a good rhythm. I’m deathly afraid of gaining weight. I’m afraid to be fatter again. I’m afraid that the scale will reach 180lbs again. Logically I know that as my body adjusts to eating more after eating so low that I will gain some weight back, but that doesn’t stop the fear. I can only hope that by being mindful of my portions (I will still be weighing them most likely when I can at least for a while) and quality of the food I’m eating plus exercise will help combat and help me lose.

I know that dieting is not something I want to do my whole life. I don’t want to hate foods because of the numbers and I don’t want to be miserable. What worries me is what happens when I get pregnant? I don’t want to starve the future Luma because I’m trying to tell myself that I’m being healthy when in reality I’m being vain. Yet I don’t want to gain 30+lbs either.

I don’t want to have a full on problem when I recognize starting symptoms which is why I’m going to try really hard to be mindful. I’m going to continue logging into MyFitnessPal to track my exercise, support others, and hopefully receive support myself.

I don’t know what’s harder. Admitting that I’m afraid and recognizing a problem in myself or fighting the urge to hit that delete button before even publishing this.

“Man.

Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.

Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.

And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present;

the result being that he does not live in the present or the future;

he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

My house was giving me a stagnant feeling today. So I’ve opened the doors up and turned on the ceiling fan to draw in some of the fresh clean positive spring air as the negative and dead air flows out. While a bit chilly (there is some snow on the ground) it’s totally worth the positive uplifting vibes I’m feeling.

The other day as I was walking out our room I happened to glance in the mirror. A feeling of panic set over me and I about dove behind the bed for fear that there was a stranger near me. After calming my imagination I realized that it was just me… a somewhat new me. It has been a long time since I’ve actually checked myself out and have really noticed just how far I’ve come with my weight loss. In fact I still think like that 236lb girl that I was. I have to remind myself that I’m no longer her. That I’m not that heavy and that I won’t break the exercise machine, can fit into these pants, won’t break Jeremy if he picks me up, those sorts of things.

So out of vanity I’ve decided to make a weight loss page to show my progress through photos. I’ve worked so hard to get to where I am today and while I have a ways to go I’m just so proud that I’m going to show it off to keep myself motivated. Don’t worry I’m going to vain up this entry a bit too!

220lbs to 176lbs.

Now to get rid of that panda pouch pudge above my belly button. *glares at it*