Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

This is more than likely going to sound greedy or some other negative word, but I’m a little depressed that I more than likely won’t be having a baby shower for Vincent. Why? I have no offline friends.

Growing up you watch movies where the pregnant woman waddles around with her big old beach ball tummy and sits down in the middle of a room with all her friends laughing and having a good time. They play games, eat treats, and then the time comes to open the presents for the baby.

People talk about it all the time on message boards I frequent, or post pictures of their baby showers and it just leaves me a bit depressed. Not because I want presents for Vincent, but because I won’t get to have what seems to be a semi rite of passage that I wanted or what is portrayed as normal.

I didn’t have a 16^th birthday party (I spent the night at a friends who didn’t even know it was my birthday.)

I tested out of high school early so I didn’t have a graduation party.

I didn’t have a bridal shower.

Now I more than likely won’t be having a baby shower either and that just bums me out . It also sort of makes me feel like a loser because I only have friends online. Then my mind turns more and starts to throw other wonderments at me like, “Would they notice an absence from me?” It seems people only really notice you in passing as we all live our own lives. Some may care, though most will not.

Someone once suggested that I throw my own baby shower, but who would I invite? I could webcam it with online friends, but what would be the point? Not to mention what would we do? I can’t feed them cupcakes through the video screen. Not to mention how would we all get together at the same time. It’s hard enough just trying to get one or two of them together to chat with.

Meh.

I did make a registry though, which while I asked Jeremy what the point in that was, it made me feel at least a little better. A bit normal. It’s mostly full of clothes and small items that I’d like to buy for Vincent. Things that we need to remember to get in the next few months. I’ve shared it on Facebook and was shocked that one person I hardly know asked about buying something off of it for us. I actually cried.

I’m going to go to my corner of woe now and take my pregnancy hormones with me.

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Vincent is playing Mortal Kombat and using combos inside the womb as I try for the first time ever to use my laptop in bed since Jeremy was tired and I’m not. Vincent isn’t going for it. Mom’s HP is going down…

Instant pregnancy craving. *drools*

I really hate bad dreams, especially when I wake up panicked and half crying because I’m afraid my worst nightmare has happened. Let’s move to the dream world shall we?

I’m in the kitchen filling up the cats food dishes when one of Jeremy’s coworkers named Lisa Lisa walked in the front door and announced that she was waiting for Jeremy to get home and that she brought him a soda. Okay, no big deal. I stayed in the kitchen as Jeremy came home and went upstairs to change out of his work clothes. I heard him call down to Lisa Lisa and ask if she had been in the closet as a rod or something was moved. Instantly I knew it was the cats so I was waiting for him to come into the kitchen so I could say welcome home, how was your day, and “oh it was the cats.”

He didn’t come so I walked into the hall and saw Lisa Lisa dancing a bit very close behind him. She does this move that’s hard to describe, kind of like a dance move where you press yourself and your hands against their backside and go down, THEN she grabbed his ass.  She leaped away when she saw me and laughed. Very angrily and loudly I said, “DO NOT TOUCH MY HUSBAND!”

For some reason Jeremy got mad at me and she walked out the door. He said something about how I was blowing it out of proportion and that I had no right to be angry. Something to do with her being his coworker and how I messed up and made him look bad or damaged their friendship or something. Angry I grabbed my own jacket and walked out the door.

Lisa Lisa was waiting by her car as I walked down the steps. She started doing a boxing warm-up and making noises similar to “doof doof doof doof”.  I told her I wasn’t going to fight her as I stepped in the snow and walked down the sidewalk. I felt defeated and hurt. She followed and half skip-danced in excitement along side me. Our conversation was full of her putting me down and telling me how bad I was for him and how she was so much better than I was.

“He likes sexy women. But you’re not sexy.” I look down to see that I have my green yoshi PJ pants on. I respond, “Sucks to be me.”

“He likes it when you swirl your tongue like this.” We’re apparently talking about blow jobs and how I suck at it apparently, “He likes mine better.” I respond, “That’s good for you then.”

“He hates you. You make him miserable. You’re too complicated.” I respond, “I know.”

After that she disappears and I’m walking back up the steps into the house. Jeremy is in the kitchen sitting at the table. He has papers drawn up and tells me I need to sign them. My heart shatters and I yell NO! Not until he listens to me about why I was upset. I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want him to leave me. That he never talks to me, that I’m sorry I’m so complicated, that she had no right to touch him.

* * * *

I woke up half crying with my heart racing and turned over to see if Jeremy was still next to me. As I write this, just remembering how I felt in the dream makes tears well up in my eyes.  I thought about waking him up, but went back to sleep instead where I was sucked right back into the nightmare. At least the ending was a little better this time.

* * * *

Crying I told him that if he really wanted it I couldn’t stop him. That I needed to clear my head and when I got home I would sign the papers because I wanted him to be happy. I teleported to a cathedral mixed with a movie style seating place. Sitting down I put my head in my hands when Lisa Lisa showed up. Her laugh filled the room and echoed in my ears.

Looking up she approached me carrying a spear. “He can never fully love me with you around. So I’ll just have to get rid of you. You’re worthless anyways.”  Once again I expressed that I didn’t want to fight her and that if it made him happy he could have her. She ignored me and of course carried on with trying to kill me. All I could manage to do was dodge around and not let her harm me.

A few moments later Jeremy showed up and she stopped and cried to him about how mean I was to her and how I attacked her and was going to kill her because I was jealous. He looked at me and I shook my head and told him the truth and that I had proof she was the one trying to kill me.

“Proof? You mean it was recorded?”
Yes.
“So that time in high school when we were in here?” – implying that we had sex there apparently.
Yes, that was all recorded as well.

It’s hard to say what really happened after that, but I know that we were still together.

* * * *

Waking up was a real shock. I still felt all the emotions from those two dreams combined. So I did what anyone would do and made Jeremy cuddle sleep with me.

Luckily for me I’m able to determine why I dream what I dream and what or where certain events come from. In case you didn’t get it, losing Jeremy in any way is my biggest fears. Yes it’s cheesy, sappy, and totally dependent, but it’s the truth.  When depression hits I worry that I’m not good enough for him because I feel so complicated. So there is the overall theme of the dream.

The whole trying to kill me with a spear thing comes from watching Spartacus; Gods of the Arena last night. The cathedral comes from the game Catherine on PS3 that Jeremy has been playing ever weekend.  So that was pretty much the rest.

I hate bad dreams.